Flight of Ideas (take off, circle once, land)

during 1975 I lived at 505 Gayley in Westwood (split $125/mo. single with high school buddy)

- saw and heard Pink Floyd at the L.A. Sports Arena

- huge LAPD turnout due to band’s ‘reputation’ (drug music) courtesy of Chief Ed Davis

- don’t remember my date; went with my Bullocks-Westwood co-worker and his date who was niece/sister of our shoe dept. buyer

- we smoked hash oil (Chief Davis was correct)

- down Glendon Ave. from Bullocks-Westwood was Ship’s coffee shop where I had my first ‘patty melt’ (burger on toasted rye with melted cheese and sautéed/caramelized onions)

- there was a toaster at each table and several at counter so customers could toast bread, etc. to their own specifications

- half-way between Bullocks-Westwood and Ship’s was Monty’s restaurant on the top floor of an office building

- they had decent prime rib, chicken, fish, etc.

- an entire room dedicated to backgammon playing

- mostly they had a bar that served ‘Green Lizards’ – 1:1 of 151 proof rum and ‘green chartreuse’ liquer served in an aperitif glass

- one would ignite it (yeah, it caught fire!) briefly to warm, blow it out and down it in one gulp; it tasted like shit (antidote was water) but warmed your insides and “got the job done”

- the best band that played at this bar was Champion and Gomez Topazz: two guys that alternated on bass, guitar, keyboard, pedal bass (Moog Taurus?) and early rudimentary sequencer (Spencer Sequencer) and drum machine (Lionel P. Fenstershorts)

- they played all the radio hits of the day including Bowie and Pink Floyd

- saw and heard Pink Floyd at the L.A. Sports Arena

-

“You may unfasten your seat belts……”

-

Communication
Free association
Degrees of separation
My compensation

That will teach me.

I observed a little boy pick up and eat a Cheerio from the floor at a Starbucks. His mother sees this as well and reacts with a start.

Me (to boy)
You haven’t heard about the five second rule?

Mother
He subscribes to the four hour rule.

Me
That’s okay; it builds up his immune system.

Mother
That’s right, floors, door knobs, whatever.

Me (to boy)
Dude, you rock!

Boy
Don’t patronize me; I don’t know that I’m eating dirt.

Overheard II

Remorsefully from adjacent stall:
“That was a bad bad burrito.”

____________________

From adjacent restaurant table, one woman describing to another, the other’s almost ex, who won’t quite break up with her/go away.
“He’s like a corn that’s stuck on the bottom of your foot and he won’t come off.”

There are no coincidences

I just woke up from a dream
In which I heard your voice
which was sleepy and faint.

I just woke up from a dream
In which I had accidentally
Dialed you on my cell phone.

We were trying to speak
And hear one another
But the connection was poor.

I tried to find the phone
So I could hold it
Closer to my ear.

You sounded in some distress.
Something about numbness.
When I awoke I became upset.

I thought of calling you
But it was 9:00 PM
And I may have awoken you.

I must miss you
And love you.
I hope you’re okay.

I am well.

Couture – Pride of Possession

Some time during the Fall of 2010, I acquired a brand new, still in the original clear plastic packaging, maroon V-neck sweater from the ‘clothing ministry’ of The Mildred Cursh Foundation for which I had done some community service work in order to avoid paying cash for ignoring a citation for not having current registration ‘tags’ on my car.

The sweater, upon removal from the package, appeared to be a production over-run for a private school or academy. This was apparent as the outline of a previously stitched-on patch of a crest was visible as a series of large needle holes. Fortunately these holes closed up during the first washing of the sweater. The sweater, made of fabric unknown, is rather soft and comfortable which makes it my favorite. Also, its color allows spilled taco sauce to hide in plain sight.

Last week I was riding my bike in Venice while wearing an ‘outfit’ that included the sweater and black scarf, slacks & jacket. I crossed paths with Teryn, a volunteer for The Mildred Cursh Foundation.

Teryn: “I understand you recently celebrated a birthday; happy birthday.”

“Thank you. (I’m much older than I look.)”

“You look pretty snazzy, there.”

“Thanks. The sweater was courtesy of The Mildred Cursh Foundation.”

“Ah, a ‘Mildred Original’.”

I thought that was very quick and amusing. We concluded our chat and went our separate ways.

I immediately called Antoinette, the Founder and Director of the MCF, to pass along this encounter. She, too, was amused by Teryn’s characterization of the sweater and I told Antoinette that I have and continue to wear it with much pride.

Overheard…

…at nachos platter in rehab:

“Stop me!”

“No, you stop ME!”

-

…at SuperCuts:

“Make me look like a middle-aged rock drummer.”

“Sir, you already do (and I don’t mean that in a complimentary way).  Next!”

Muffin Tops

I love your little muffin tops

They look so good on you

I love your little muffin tops

And I love you

-

I love your little muffin tops

The way they shake and jiggle

And when I touch your muffin tops

You smile, squirm and giggle

-

I love your little muffin tops

The way they swish and sway

When you glide across the room

It really makes my day

-

I love your little muffin tops

They’re, oh, so soft and sweet

And when I want a little snack

They’re such a tasty treat:

Blackberry!  Poppyseed!

Cranberry!  Apple Spice!

Blueberry!  Chocolate Chip!

Raspberry!  Pumpkin Spice!

Strawberry!  Zucchini!

Banana Walnut!

-

Banana Walnut?

Yeah.

But that breaks the rhythmic flow.

But I like banana walnut.

Okay.

-

I love your little muffin tops, muffin tops, muffin tops

I love your little muffin tops; they look so good on you

I love your little muffin tops, muffin tops, muffin tops

I love your little muffin tops and I love you

Missing Reference

I worked at Detroit Bagel in 1971 when it was in Oak Park, Michigan at the corner of Coolidge and 10 Mile Road; I was 16.

At that time, unionized adult employees mixed the dough, rolled the bagels into shape and put them on racks in the proofing cooler.

Teenagers such as myself, starting at $1.65/hour, did everything else: boiling, sprinkling, drying, baking and selling.

We were open until 3 AM Sat. night/Sun. morning so customers could buy their bagels, bialys, cream cheese, etc. and their early edition of the Sunday Detroit News on the way home from a movie and, as an example, a pastrami sandwich at the Nosherie Deli.

Sam Anbender, himself (the original owner), taught me how to boil bagels.  They were immersed 10-12 dozen at a time in a huge cauldron of boiling water and were retrieved with a stainless steel strainer that resembled a tennis racket.

“So, Sam”, I inquired, “How do you know when they’re done?”

“Well, you bring one up in the strainer and pinch it between your fingers”, he explained while demonstrating, “It’s done when it feels like a woman’s breast.”

“Well Sam, what the hell does THAT feel like?!”

Emergency Contacts – a one act comedy

EMERGENCY CONTACTS

Copyrighted © 2011 by Jeffrey Alan Breitman

All rights reserved

The events and characters depicted in this script are fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.

 

Synopsis

A sex-dramedy

Present day

Having been discovered unconscious by the housekeeping crew of a cheap motel in Culver City, a middle-aged man is rushed by ambulance to a hospital.

Four women, who have never met one another, are called to the hospital ICU because their names and phone numbers are on the “Emergency Contact” card in the man’s wallet.

The women convene around the bed of the still unconscious man and do what the man had intended: they compare notes about him.

Character Breakdown

PARAMEDIC and EMERGENCY ROOM DOCTOR:

- offstage voices over house PA

- professional demeanor throughout dialogue

JOSEPH:

- 55 years old, Jewish

- high school graduate, some college

- non-descript American accent, ostentatiously articulate

- very handsome, 5’-9”, 190 lbs., thick and somewhat muscular, salt ‘n’ pepper with receding hairline and somewhat bald at crown, white at temples, crows feet

- married at 37, divorced at 40, no children

- hedonist, drug and sex addict, moderate OCD, very intelligent, not very smart, does not suffer fools gladly, needy

ERICA:

- 32 years old, Christian

- born in Sevastopol, Russia; came to America at 21

- high school graduate

- distinct Russian accent, speaks excellent English

- gorgeous, thick shoulder-length blond, somewhat “girl-next-door”, 5’4″, 110 lbs., voluptuous, restrained make-up

- former sex-worker, married college professor at 22 for green-card/citizenship, currently single

- strong willed, independent, ambitious, not overly sentimental, does not use drugs or alcohol

HOPE:

- 48 years old, Catholic

- high school graduate, much college, voracious reader

- generic American accent, ostentatiously articulate

- cute, 5’-1”, 105 lbs., voluptuous, blonde hair worn in bob, minimal make-up

- writer

- married at 33, no children

- over-educated, needy, demanding, codependent, very intelligent, practical

JOAN:

- 47 years old, Jewish

- high school graduate, BA

- non-descript American accent, plain-spoken

- attractive, 5’-7”, 130 lbs., full-figured, shoulder-length wavy brunette, minimal make-up

- project manager

- never married

- sweet-natured, somewhat judgmental, moderate drinker

SHIRELLE:

- 36 years old, Buddhist

- born in Seoul, South Korea, came to America at 21, has permanent green-card

- high school graduate

- Asian accent, good English with occasional grammatical errors

- striking beauty, 5’-1”, 95 lbs., slender yet curvy, luxurious long brunette, moderate make-up

- former sex-worker; currently Madame, personal assistant and real estate investor

- never married, engaged

- entrancing, captivating, passionate, strong business sense, serious, very hard-working, somewhat short-tempered/excitable, unsentimental, no alcohol, occasional cocaine

EMERGENCY CONTACTS

Copyrighted © 2011 by Jeffrey Alan Breitman

All rights reserved

The events and characters depicted in this script are fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.

Scene 1

The stage is black.  Off-stage voices/sound effects (siren, road noise from inside EMS vehicle, etc.) are heard over theater  PA system.

PARAMEDIC

Unit Four, here.  ETA five minutes.  White male, fifty-five.  Found unconscious by motel maid.  Shallow respiration, tachycardia, BP two-ten over one-ten, pupils barely reactive and dilated.  Looks like cocaine overdose.

EMERGENCY ROOM DOCTOR

What kind of evidence?

PARAMEDIC

Pile of coke the size of an anthill.

EMERGENCY ROOM DOCTOR

Yeah, that’d be evidence.

PARAMEDIC

And, get this: porn site open on his laptop!

EMERGENCY ROOM DOCTOR

Oh, yeah?  What kind of scene?

PARAMEDIC

A nun and a priest.

EMERGENCY ROOM DOCTOR

Gimme that old time religion.

PARAMEDIC

Works for me!  Patient has a left forearm like Popeye and there was a huge bottle of AstroGlide on the table.

EMERGENCY ROOM DOCTOR

How huge?

PARAMEDIC

Uh, I think he bought it at CostCo.

EMERGENCY ROOM DOCTOR

Well, one doesn’t want to chafe.   Any emergency contact card?

PARAMEDIC

Got it right here.

EMERGENCY ROOM DOCTOR

Great.  Names and numbers, please.

Scene 2

Full lights come up on-stage when siren stops and patient monitor begins.  A hospital bed is CS – foot facing audience.  JOSEPH is in bed covered by sheet up to his chin.  There are four chairs: one at each corner of the bed, all cheating toward the audience.

Audio Cue – ‘Erica enters’ is played over house PA.

ERICA enters from DSL, crosses DS of bed and sits in chair USR of bed.

ERICA

Joseph, I don’t know why I’m here.  I told you over 10 years ago I don’t exist for you in Los Angeles so I don’t understand.  Thanks God I only had to drive up from Irvine and not from Russia.

ERICA looks around the room for a moment then looks back to JOSEPH.

ERICA

It is good you did not accept my proposal, back then.  Your heart would be broken every second of eighteen months and I would grow tired and weary of that look on your face.  Especially if I was still doing ‘out-calls’.

ERICA leans in and takes closer look at JOSEPH.

ERICA

You look good!

Audio Cue – ‘Hope enters’ is played over house PA. HOPE enters from DSL, stops at DSL corner of bed.

HOPE

Oh!  Hello.

ERICA

Hello.

HOPE

I’m Hope.

ERICA

I’m Erica.

HOPE walks toward chair at USL of bed, removes her jacket, hangs it on chair and sits.

HOPE

Oh.  You’re the Russian one.

ERICA

The Russian one what?!

HOPE

The Russian girl.

ERICA

The Russian girl what?!

HOPE

The Russian girl that Joseph met as a sex client and fell in love with that made him a financial offer to marry her so she could get a green card. (pause) Not to put too fine a point on it.

ERICA

Well, yes.  In that case, I am the Russian one.

HOPE leans over bed and caresses Joseph’s forehead.

HOPE

Oh, my dear.  What have you done to yourself?

HOPE cradles Joseph’s head.

HOPE

Joseph, your occipital bone is flat!  Did your mother ever pick you up?

JOAN enters at DSL, looks up expectantly, shrugs to absence of music, crosses to chair at DSR of bed and sits.

JOAN

Hello.  I’m Joan.

ERICA

Hello, I’m Erica.

HOPE

(cheerfully)

She’s the Russian hooker.

JOAN

The Russian what?

ERICA

Nevermind.

HOPE

I’m Hope.

JOAN

Hope, the married one?

HOPE

The married one what?!

JOAN

The married one that had an affair with Joseph that she knowingly continued even after I started dating him.

ERICA

Not to put too fine a point on it.

HOPE gives ERICA a look.

JOAN

When I suspected you might still be seeing one another, I tried to scare him away from you by telling him you were bisexual.

ERICA

Very nice.

HOPE

And that was supposed to be a deterrent?

JOAN

He didn’t say it was a problem.

HOPE

He always said he had something in common with lesbians.

JOAN

And what is that?

ERICA

He loves to eat…… (her voice trails off)

HOPE

Pussy?

ERICA and HOPE look at one another and giggle.

JOAN

Yes, I know.  Do you know who I am?

HOPE

Yes, he told me.

JOAN

Does he tell you everything?

HOPE

Not anymore.

JOAN

Why not?

HOPE

Because, as I warned him, the things we first find most endearing about our lovers, ultimately become those traits that we find most annoying.

JOAN

And what was yours?

HOPE

That I’m insaaannnne.

Audio Cue – ‘Shirelle enters’ plays over house PA. SHIRELLE enters from DSL and stands at chair DSL of bed.

SHIRELLE

Oh my god, Joseph.

JOAN

He’s had a cocaine overdose.

ERICA

Hi, I’m Erica.

SHIRELLE

Oh, you’re the Russian one.

ERICA

Does everyone know?

SHIRELLE

I’m Shirelle.

HOPE

Oh, you’re the Korean one.

SHIRELLE

The Korean one what?!

HOPE

The Korean girl.

SHIRELLE

The Korean girl what?!

HOPE

(deadpan without pause)

The Korean girl with whom and her girls Joseph spent over $100,000 until she told him she was engaged and only the Madame so he continued seeing her girls until he caught her paying a car repair bill with a sex session and broke his heart but he kept seeing her girls anyway.

JOAN and ERICA

Not to put too fine a point on it.

HOPE

I’m Hope.

SHIRELLE

Oh, you’re the married one.

HOPE

Shit!

JOAN and ERICA laugh

JOAN

I’m Joan, the single, available, not-a-hooker one.

ERICA, HOPE and SHIRELLE give JOAN ‘stink-eye’

ERICA

Well, Shirelle, we’ve just been comparing notes about Joseph.

JOAN

Would you care to contribute to his unconscious ego trip?

SHIRELLE sits in chair DSL of bed.

SHIRELLE

Every year on my birthday I would put out a buffet and I would invite a lot of my customers over and I would have three or four girls instead of the usual one or two.  One year Joseph came over.  He must have gotten his bonus check that day so he had a session.  I don’t think he took a break; he had me send in another girl right away.  Then he came out; he didn’t eat any food.

HOPE

He was eating from an entirely different buffet.

SHIRELLE

He wasn’t even done: he went back in for another.  Yeah, I think it was two without a break, (laughs) a rest, and then he had two in a row, again.

JOAN

It sounds like it was his birthday.

HOPE

Well, so much for Asian women being inscrutable.

JOAN

Based on China’s population, they’re not impregnable either.

ERICA

Poor Joseph was so in love with me but the circumstances made him very tense and nervous; he lost about 45 pounds.

SHIRELLE

Well he must have gained it back, because he did the same thing with me.

ERICA

He’s like a girl; he can’t eat when he’s in love.  He can’t eat when he’s emotional.

SHIRELLE

(giggling)

He is a girl.

SHIRELLE, JOAN, HOPE, ERICA laugh and giggle.

SHIRELLE

Yeah but that came in handy.  He helped me fold the towels.  And we use lots of towels in my business. (sighing) I guess he really loved me.  He really made love to me.

ERICA

Making love, that’s how he called it.  I don’t know; it was just sex for me.

HOPE

He just had sex with me.

ERICA, SHIRELLE

Aaawwww.

JOAN

He just had sex with me, too.

ERICA, HOPE, SHIRELLE

Yeah, we know!

ERICA

He was very affectionate: he liked to spoon and cuddle after sex.

SHIRELLE

Yes, but it was in a, um, needy kind of way.

JOAN and HOPE

Is there any other way?

HOPE

Did you know he wrote a song for you?

ERICA

Really?  He wrote a song for me?

HOPE

Oh, yes.  He recorded it in a studio.  It’s very good.

ERICA

I’d like to hear it.  Did you get a song?

HOPE

I got a song.  And sang on it.

SHIRELLE

I got a song.  And a video.

SHIRELLE, ERICA and HOPE turn to JOAN

JOAN

What?!  I got a $25 watch! (pause, looks at JOSEPH) What an asshole!

SHIRELLE, ERICA, HOPE and JOAN laugh

JOAN

And, no offense ladies, I was the normal one!

HOPE

Relatively speaking.

JOAN

I was available; we, we had so much in common.  We liked the same music; we liked to go out to eat and to movies.  We sure liked sex, I mean I, I never denied him; in fact, I would initiate it.  What did I, what did I do wrong?  I didn’t do anything wrong except meet a freak.

ERICA, HOPE, SHIRELLE

Yeah, what a freak!

ERICA, HOPE, SHIRELLE and JOAN laugh

SHIRELLE

I don’t know if it was from all the coke he was using or all the sex he was having—

HOPE

Both with and without someone else in the room?

SHIRELLE

Anyway, sometimes he had the hardest time, the most difficult time finishing and—

ERICA

We would go at it and at it.  One time he asked me to pose for him so he could finish himself off.  Sometimes it seemed that it just wasn’t going to happen.  But he just had to get his cookie so he would just make it happen.

SHIRELLE

Sometimes he would lose his erection in the middle of intercourse.

JOAN

I know!  Like a pickled herring.

HOPE

Like a strand of string cheese.

SHIRELLE

Like extra-soft tofu.

ERICA

That didn’t bother him.  He mostly wanted closeness with the girl, the woman.  He got as much pleasure from going down on me and giving me a ‘short death’.  An orgasm.

SHIRELLE

Over and over and over again.  I had to clamp my hand over my mouth for the neighbors.

ERICA, JOAN, HOPE

Mmmmmmmmm.  You go, girl!

SHIRELLE

Oh, I went.  He just loved my body.

ERICA

And mine!

HOPE

And mine!

JOAN

And mine?

SHIRELLE

And he loved caressing me and fondling me and putting his mouth and tongue everywhere.

JOAN

Everywhere?

SHIRELLE

Everywhere.

HOPE

He tossed your salad?

SHIRELLE

Is that what it’s called?

HOPE

Did he garnish it with candied pecans?

JOAN, ERICA, SHIRELLE laugh

HOPE

How about goat cheese?

JOAN, ERICA, SHIRELLE

Ewww!

HOPE

I’ve had some bass-notes of pleasure from that.

JOAN

I hope he didn’t get any musical notes in return from you.

SHIRELLE, ERICA, HOPE

Ewww!

HOPE

No, I’m a girl: I don’t, I don’t do that.  (pause)  In bed.

So Shirelle, what was it when he couldn’t finish with you?  A finger?

SHIRELLE

(chuckling)

No, I run a professional operation: we have battery-powered devices.  One time it was me and another girl and he had that thing up, you know, and he’s still going to town on both of us; he had three things going on.

JOAN

Sounds like a three-ring circus.

ERICA

A three-ring sex-circus.

SHIRELLE

We were all laughing that he’s walking around like that.  He didn’t care; he was just enjoying himself.

ERICA

Well, that’s all he was trying to do, wasn’t it?

HOPE

No.

SHIRELLE, ERICA, JOAN

No?

HOPE

Well, of course he enjoyed it.  But he was really just, just trying to, uh, be comfortable.

JOAN

With that thing?

HOPE

Emotionally comfortable with himself; comfortable in his own skin.

JOAN

Ya know, I always suspected that he was still seeing you while he was dating me.

HOPE

Yes, and?

JOAN

Why!?  Why!?

HOPE

In point of fact, I needed someone to have sex with who could make me come.  Joseph needed someone who was unavailable: a married woman.  So he fell in love with me and that frustration and heartache, that churning in his gut is his comfort zone.  Discomfort is his comfort zone.  You, on the other hand, were available so there was no excitement.  (pause)  But he said he liked going to parties with you, going to movies.  That you were a perfectly adequate sex partner!

JOAN

Oh, well gee, that makes me feel so good.  The highest of compliments.

HOPE

No, no, I don’t mean to insult you.  To whatever extent I contributed to the failure, the ending of the relationship, I’m sorry.

 

JOAN

So he couldn’t stand to be in an equal relationship; he knew that I was available and would have him and that I accepted him and so he had to fucking destroy it and break my heart!  Well, it was his choice.

ERICA

All of this was, wasn’t it?

JOAN

But you knew that he was seeing me and still you continued your little Sunday afternoon brunches your little Sunday afternoon sex brunches.

HOPE

He loved to eat my shallots and gruyere omelet.

JOAN

Was that his nickname for your crotch?

ERICA and SHIRELLE (laugh loudly)

JOSEPH awakens and props himself up on his elbows.  He looks around the room acknowledging the four women and they him.

JOSEPH

Wow!  You all showed up.  Thank you.

ERICA

You’re welcome, Joseph.  Now, why am I here?

JOSEPH

I was in love with you and I still value and cherish that.

ERICA

But I was a call-girl.

JOSEPH

You were a very young Russian girl with whom, yes, I enjoyed having sex with and fell in love with and I wanted to protect you and save you.

ERICA

Save me from what?

JOSEPH

From your, your manager and all the other men.  All the other men that would treat you roughly and not make love to you the way I did.

ERICA

But I didn’t see you as any different from them.

JOSEPH

Deep down I knew that and yet, I can lie to myself to serve my needs.

ERICA

And what are your needs?

JOSEPH

To love deeply and to be deeply loved.

ERICA

Oh.

HOPE

Why am I here?

JOSEPH

Because you’re Hope: a really smart, cute girl.

HOPE

I’m just over-educated.

JOSEPH

I didn’t know the difference and if I had known, I wouldn’t have cared; I fell in love with you.

HOPE

I was married.

JOSEPH

I didn’t care about that either.  I was infatuated, smitten, addled; you choose.

HOPE

I choose all of them, thanks.

JOAN

Why am I here? (pause) Well?

JOSEPH

Because I blew it.  I guess because you were the single, available appropriate one that would have me.

JOAN

And yet you destroyed it and hurt me.

JOSEPH

I’m, I’m so very sorry.  There was not enough chaos and too much a chance of a real relationship, a commitment.  And I feared that.

JOAN

Why?

JOSEPH

Because it requires day-by-day work and I didn’t know that.  Just as in my marriage I only knew I didn’t see myself in it 5 years hence.

JOAN purses her lips and shakes her head.  JOSEPH stares reflectively at the ceiling then his eyes light up and he smiles broadly.

JOSEPH

So, Shirelle, do you have any new girls?

SHIRELLE, ERICA, HOPE and JOAN react with wide-eyed horror.  They speak the following lines in unison.

SHIRELLE

Oh my god!

ERICA

Oh Joseph!

HOPE

Oh fuck!

JOAN

Oh shit!

The stage goes black.

Dark Suits = Dark Deals

I observed a cadre advancing through the Third Street Promenade:
5 dark suits marching on
5 pairs of dark shoes constricted by
5 dark ties encumbered by
5 dark computer bags restraining
5 dark intentions, cackling in
5 part harmony in a minor key:
Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!